Sometimes the person who loves you most is also the person most determined to fix what’s bothering you. But what happens when you don’t need a solution yet, you just need a minute?

In Episode 38: Mr. Fix It, Doc Patton and Crystal Patton unpack the difference between venting and problem-solving, why different processing speeds can turn helpful intentions into overwhelm, and how couples can learn to offer support in a way their spouse can actually receive. Because sometimes loving your spouse well means knowing when to solve the problem and when to simply sit beside them in it.

In this episode we discuss:

• Venting vs. problem-solving

• Different processing speeds in marriage

• When helping starts to feel overwhelming

• Feeling heard before finding a solution

• Offering support in a way your spouse can actually receive

CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION

Podcast Companion Guide

Our Brutiful Marriage Podcast Companion Guide takes the most powerful themes, verbatims, and moments from our most popular episodes and turn them into practical, heart‑centered tools you can use together.

Frequently asked questions

What should I do when my spouse wants to vent but I want to fix the problem?
Start by understanding what kind of support your spouse wants. In the episode, simply saying, “I’m venting, and I don’t need you to fix it this time” helps create that clarity.

Why does my spouse get overwhelmed when I’m only trying to help?

Sometimes the issue isn’t whether the advice is good, but how quickly it arrives. A spouse may still need time to process before moving toward solutions.

Is it okay to vent without immediately solving the problem?

Yes. The episode explores how processing can require time to think, evaluate the situation, and consider different perspectives before taking action.

How can different processing styles affect communication in marriage?
One spouse may quickly identify solutions while the other needs more time. That difference can create overwhelm even when both spouses have good intentions.

Can trying to help actually hurt communication in marriage?
It can become a roadblock when problem-solving prevents a spouse from feeling heard. Learning when to listen and when to move toward a solution can make support easier to receive.

Full Transcript

Yes, we are really excited to talk about today’s topic.

I’m excited.

Yes, because he gets to roast me, essentially.

I don’t know if it’s a roast, really, but we’ll see how it goes.

Okay, so we’re talking about...

In some relationships, you have someone known as Mr. Fix It, the person who’s always fixing everything. Well, that’s not me in this relationship. It’s this lovely person to my left.

Let me tell y’all something. When it comes to Mr. Fix It or Mrs. Fix It, you have this immediate response to fix everything on impact.

I feel like we need to clarify.

Okay.

I feel like we need to clarify that I am not fixing things with a tool belt and toolkit.

No.

No wrenches were involved or harmed in the making of this podcast. You want to tell them what I’m fixing?

Yeah. I should probably say problem-solving.

Oh, that sounds nice.

Something like that. So, for example, if I’m coming home and I’ve had an interesting day, and I say, “Man, babe, you won’t believe what happened at work today. So-and-so did this...” You immediately go in: “Well, how are we going to fix it? What do we need to do? Do you need me to do this? What else do I need to do?”

And I’m like, Skrrt. Slow down. Slow down.

That’s my way of helping. That’s my way of trying to help you problem-solve. Because if you’re coming to me with a problem, then arguably what you’re looking for is a solution.

Okay. Yes. Kinda.

But I’ve learned over time, since you like to problem-solve any chance you get, that I now have to say, “Hey, babe, I’m about to tell you this, but I’m venting. I don’t need you to fix it this time.”

I will say that is very helpful to know ahead of time because I do have a tendency to jump into fixing. And it’s because, one, I want to protect you.

I love you. I don’t want nobody messing with him. Okay? I don’t want nobody, not you, not anybody, nobody.

So I like to protect you. I want you to have the best experience possible in every situation and circumstance. And I just like to get to the bottom of stuff. I don’t know what that is.

Well, it’s funny because at one point I thought it was just unique to me. But this is just who you are.

I’ve seen you on the phone with one of your friends, they say something, and you go zero to 100 real quick trying to help figure out whatever the situation is. All the time.

Okay, but I’ve got a question.

Please, shoot.

Am I good at it?

I’m supposed to be roasting, not complimenting.

I’m just saying.

Yes, you excel at it. But that’s the thing. You excel at it so well that I’m not ready for everything you’re shooting at me at the time.

When you go into problem-solving...

“Shooting” sounds violent, baby.

Because you go so fast! It’s almost like you already have a playbook for the problem I just told you about. You’re firing off all the things that need to be done: “You can do this. I know so-and-so. All we’ve got to do is bam, bam, bam, bam.”

It’s like, hold up. I don’t even know if I’m really that mad. I was just saying something.

So I think that comes from a couple of places. One, consulting. I do a lot of consulting. People come to me for answers. They want to know how to do things better, say things better, write things better. It’s kind of my default.

I don’t know how to turn it off.

But I will say, when you tell me, “I don’t want you to fix it. I just want to vent,” that is like magic.

I know you’re starting to recognize it, because sometimes when we’re talking to one of our offspring, I’ll give you the look.

They give me big eyes.

Yeah. Like, You’re going in too hard. They didn’t want all that. Dial it back just a little bit.

Before, I don’t think you cared. It was just, “I am going to help fix whatever issue you’re having. We’re going to fix it right now, and you’re going to be better.”

But now, even with our offspring, you’ll be problem-solving in the moment and then glance at me. I’m like, Tone it down just a little bit. Tone it down.

And then you figure out a way to wrap it up.

“How does that make you feel?”

Go ahead and fix it.

When you fix it, I get why you do it.

You get why I do it?

Why you try to fix it. Why you want to fix it. It’s your nature to protect, and we’re going to get it done by any means necessary, right?

And it does make me feel protected, but it also feels overwhelming sometimes.

Sometimes I’m just talking. We may be having a conversation, and you hear something and immediately say, “Oh, I’m going to fix that. We’re going to fix that right now.”

And I’m like, “That’s not what I was talking about. But thank you.”

Have I ever identified something that you didn’t know needed to be fixed?

Say more. What do you mean?

Sometimes I think of my role as kind of being your... What do they say in football? Your six? I don’t know if I’m saying that right. Don’t laugh.

I don’t know if it’s football, but “I’ve got your six.” I’ve got your back.

I’ve got your back.

Yeah.

Okay, it’s not football. You were good.

Well, I’ve got your back, right? And my job is to make sure I’m seeing the things you may not be able to see because your nose is too close to the thing.

Yeah.

And I do that for you and everybody else I love because you’re right, I don’t discriminate.

For nobody.

My intention is to be helpful. It is to make sure you’re not dropping any balls, nobody is dropping balls on your behalf, and everything stays copacetic.

But that’s what I mean. Have I ever identified anything you hadn’t thought of before?

Absolutely.

Damn it.

Every time.

It’s just that it comes so fast that I don’t think I’m ready for it. I wasn’t ready to problem-solve right now. I’m just kind of getting it out.

That’s a good point, but I also don’t know if I’m ready to move on the...

The solution.

The solution you provided.

Sometimes I just want to sit in it. Let me bask in it for a little bit. But you’re ready to move forward.

What is that? What is the benefit of venting without fixing?

Ooh, that’s a great question.

Thank you.

I don’t think I have a great answer for you.

Give it a go.

I can’t speak for everyone, only for me. You know I’m a processor.

Yes, you are.

So it takes me a minute to process. I’m evaluating and trying to see all sides. Sometimes I think you see it faster than I do, and I’m just not ready to move at the speed you move.

I just need a little time to process it.

You said overwhelmed. Does it ever make you feel attacked?

No. Never attacked. Just overwhelmed.

That’s the best word I have for it. It’s overwhelming in the moment when I come in with this one thing, and now I’ve got a thousand solutions to choose from.

And I’m thinking, I don’t even know if I was that upset.

How are you more upset than I am?

How did you get all the way over there? I’m still over here!

I can’t match your level of intensity because I don’t even know if I’m that upset, mad, or angry.

So I need to go to anger management.

At that moment.

But on the flip side, there are times when I’m like, “Ooh, I can’t wait to tell my wife about this one because she finna go live.”

We have a friend who ran track and stayed with us for a while. I won’t say his name, but one day he was like, “Hey man, you gonna tell your wife? Because I want to see how she’s going to react. I know she’s going to go in because this is some BS. When you tell her, let me know because I want to hear it.”

Which is funny. I guarantee if he sees this, he’ll chime in.

Well, now I’m like, what was that? What was that moment?

That’ll be a whole other episode because we definitely don’t need to say any names.

But anyway, I appreciate the fact that you feel comfortable telling me, “Look, I don’t want you to fix this. I want to vent.”

Yeah.

For me, what that does is allow me to take a deep breath.

Yeah.

I can’t say it stops my wheels from turning.

Oh, I see your eyes.

I was just going to say, they’re turning.

Oh, they’re turning. I know.

But I definitely want you to feel heard, and I want you to feel like you can come to me. Because the last thing I want is for you to think, Oh Lord, if I say something to Crystal, she’s going to go crazy. She’s going to start fixing it and laying out spreadsheets and all this stuff. I don’t even want to bother.

Because I think sometimes that can happen.

Yeah.

The desire to help can become a roadblock.

Yeah, sometimes.

Sometimes it’s a hindrance.

You’re trying to help, but you’re actually hindering because of the way I process. You’re ready to go so fast and move so quickly. And even though it’s all great information, I still need a little time to process.

I’m just not ready to go that fast yet.

And then you’ve said some great stuff, and you’re like, “This is good, so what are you waiting on?”

Are we moving or not?

We need a call to action. What are we doing?

I’m like, “I’m still thinking.”

And it makes me wonder, What are you thinking about? I’m telling you everything. What are you still thinking about?

It does sound like I’m talking out of both sides of my head, but I just still need time sometimes.

Well, you married a very decisive individual.

I knew that.

A very decisive individual.

When I need it, though, when it’s time to make the call, you’re ready. You stay on go.

Already rocking.

Yeah. Sitting on go.

So it’s a... I don’t want to say necessary evil.

A double-edged sword.

We can call it that.

But I don’t have any regrets. I just know how I need to approach it.

Yeah.

I think for couples who are dealing with their own Mr. or Mrs. Fix It, as long as you keep your mind set on who you married, understanding who they are and understanding their heart and their inclinations, you can allow that to soften your heart.

Instead of becoming completely overwhelmed, you can just say, “Hey, pause.”

Yeah. Like, slow down.

Slow down.

Slow down a little bit.

And maybe I need to write down my thoughts before I speak.

Seriously, I have a tendency to blurt things out when I’m thinking because otherwise the thought will fly out of my left ear and never be seen again. I have to say it in the moment, lest it be lost forever.

I remember times when I would have a thought, pull out the Notes app on my phone, and start typing because I was afraid I’d lose the thought and then not be able to be helpful.

I think the bigger question is: Why do I feel the need to be so helpful?

I don’t know. Maybe that’s something we can touch on another time, but I’d want to know that too.

Yeah. I am your helpmeet.

Hey, you dang right about that.

And I love it. I love it more than I don’t love it. I’m serious. I mean that.

So yeah.

Well, if your Fix It person is overwhelming you, tell them to message me in the comments, and we can commiserate over our ability to overwhelm you.

Yeah.

Anyway, till next time, y’all.

Peace.

See ya.